True story...

Sometimes I wonder about myself when I find certain things amusing. I wonder if I am becoming too jaded or callous towards others. I am not the kind of guy who delights in the misery of others nor have I ever had the desire to deliberately hurt anyone's feelings. My offenses towards the sensitivities of others (and unfortunately there have been many) are usually a result of my own clumsy sense of timing, the unique ability to say just the wrong word at the right time. Sometimes I simply laugh at the wrong moments.

For example, during today's mission something happened that no doubt was an experience that one man would rather forget but we couldn't help but laugh about it and the more we shared it, the funnier it seemed to get. At work, our helicopters always operate in pairs so in the event that one aircraft gets shot down or whatever, the other bird is immediately available to attempt self-rescue. So I was in charge of one aircraft and one of my newer guys, Scott, was in the other. About midway through the day we landed at a site that seems to be populated largely by idiots. We picked up about 10 idiots and headed on to the next site, a place I've always enjoyed flying into called Wolverine. Scott told me later that as we were making our final approach into the LZ, one of his passengers came up to him and said he really had to go to the bathroom. While anywhere else this would be a perfectly reasonable request, on a screaming helicopter crowded full of other people and bulky cargo, it doesn't seem so reasonable.

Scott gave the stock answer..."NO! Now sit down, shut up, and hold it until we get back to Kandahar!"

This passenger was desperate and kept asking and asking so finally Scott relented and as soon as they touched down (they landed first), over the sound of screaming engines and beating rotors Scott directed him over to one of the nearby Hescoe barrier walls to take care of his business. You never want your passengers off wandering around because like with anything aviation oriented, passengers leave their common sense at home. More than once we've had idiots wander off the aircraft in a chaotic situation and get left behind with us never noticing the discrepancy in the manifest until we were back at the base already. The explanation is usually something along the lines of, "Well they never stopped me from wandering off..."

So after Scott made it clear that this guy was to hurry and wasn't to wander away, the guy hustled off but instead of stopping where he was directed, he appeared to be headed off to parts unknown. Poor Scott was trying to manage the rest of his monkeys (passengers) and their gear and yelled at the top of his lungs for the guy to stop right there and go to the bathroom. The guy kinda looked at him as if to say, "are you sure?" but got a very angry look and some hurry-the-hell-up gestures from a frantically busy Scott. So he drops his pants right there in the LZ and takes a crap. I imagine if pressed for an explanation, it would have gone something along the lines of, "Well he never asked me if I had to go #1 or #2..."

All of this is happening over the roar of turbine engines and rotors and there were people running around carry boxes and bags. Our landings are always reminiscent of some sort of redneck/Indian/Pakistani refugee movie that has never been made. I had just finished loading and unloading all of my cargo and pax and I was walking over to see how Scott was doing. I came over and kinda said, "Hey so how're...." and he turned around with a look that said he wanted to kill something. It was just as he was turning around that I noticed what appeared to be but just couldn't be a guy crapping out there in the wind. I stopped and with a quick "....Well, Scott, you're looking alright here....*turns around*....lemme get going back to my bird." I was off.

Of course when we arrived Scott related the whole story for the benefit of everyone in our little terminal. We relived the moment again during the long drive home and once again in our evening briefing with the whole aviation department. Everyone laughed it up. I couldn't help but feel just a little bit guilty though. Was it so wrong to laugh at this guy? I'm somewhat torn between sympathy for the guy and a sense of professional loathing. I used to see the same thing when I worked at the airlines. People would wait upstairs for hours in a lounge with nice, comfy, spacious bathrooms but would wait until they got their asses on a little bitty plane full of people and then they'd all suddenly have to go to the bathroom. The same goes for this guy. He had been out at his LZ for an hour waiting for his ride and there are even porta-John's at the LZ. I think in this matter my sympathy is outweighed by my prejudice towards people of the non-thinking persuasion.

And so passed the 2nd day of the 12th month of the year 2010 in the world of Peter.